Mind-Boggling Review #01: Pad computers

***NOTE: It is not to be taken seriously. The reviews (at least this one) are done just 4 trollz n lulz. Also, the original writing happened in 2013 with slight editing in August 2014, so please excuse technical mistakes. Also, this is meant to be “You Know What's Bullshit” parody, so expect some coarse language***

Mind-Boggling Review #01:

Pad computers.

You know them, you love them, and would you live without them? I would... This is the review that will be the first review of this “show”, and today we will be reviewing the Pad computers.

As you may already know, by “Pad computers” I mean devices with touchscreen that is almost the size of a monitor.

First of all, what is the most important aspect about any device? It's being able to fucking use it. I mean sure, you can just sit down and tap the board with a screen that shows all the fancy stuff, but most of the devices' functionality offer almost just as much as a phone, and the only obvious difference is the size. And that's what it usually is: a stupid-ass oversized result of “love” between a phone and a laptop, and the only thing that the latter one gave is the size.

What's nice about the phone? Well, even though it might be smaller, but at least you can use it with one hand and nothing else at the same time. Just try reaching the opposite edge of the screen of an iPad or something while holding it with just one hand. Oh, and don't forget to sweep all of the glass from the floor after you try that...

The other physical aspect of the phone I like is how you can actually fit them into your pocket. You might also be able to do that to the Pad Computer right after you put it into a trash compactor.

Another thing that scrapes the bottom of the shit barrel is how some parts of the interface in Pad Computers are designed. Maybe that's what happens when OS developers dedicate their work to the phones and just don't give a single fuck about the Pads.

You turn your Android pad and what the fuck? You see some stripes, which actually happen to be numeric buttons in the PIN code entry screen. Like what the fuck were they thinking?? I mean how come the buttons have to be so fucking thin? Why couldn't they just make regular-shaped buttons on center or on an edge. Or better yet, why didn't they at least gave the buttons square shapes. I mean of course the buttons would be gigantic but at least the shape would make some sense.

Oh, and also, there's an issue about software incompatibility as well. It does make tons of sense that the phones are deprived of functionality because you do not do major things with it anyway. I mean, unless you just happen to be Hooman Khalili, it's not like you're planning to film a movie with that thing.

But Pad computers should be much more than that. Hence the term: “Pad COMPUTERS”.

Apple devices probably do not have that problem, and even if it just happens to be, it's explainable by the hardware. And the software I seen on it was actually what I would expect from a computer. But you look at the other pads, and other that the Microsoft Surface (along with a few other not-so-famous models out there) that actually defines that term, all you see is a bunch of megaphones. Pun not intended.

And on top of that, people actually came up with not so sense making device that is a hybrid of a phone and a pad. Come to think of it, I have a suggestion of my own! How about making Pads the size of the phones, and phones that are as big as the Pads, as of it didn't happen already. Or better yet, how about we implement the touchscreen and “computer” interface into a big-ass flat screen TV? What could possibly go wrong? Or even better, how about we make one long Pad with elastic body and everything so that you could wrap it up into a pipe and shove it up your ass.

Bottom line, if I would need something to watch a movie, for example, with no PC available around, I would probably stick to a laptop. Fuck the Pads...